Introduction
I was married, 30 years ago and have 3 grown up children. I was a home maker, wife and mother. No full time career but worked part time at many different jobs and studied pottery and art. I enjoyed traveling and meeting people, learning about cultural and spiritual beliefs, traditional crafts, environment and nature.
The Change
1. My emotions changed when I suspected my husband of having an affair, with a much younger woman, and I didn’t want to work at or continue our marriage. He also insisted that I move out of the condo. I felt hurts, betrayed and panic. My whole life and career was crumbling around me and felt everything I tried to do failed. I felt lost, empty, and and betrayed also felt foolish and ashamed that I allowed this to happen, that I had failed in life. I couldn’t believe that everything I worked for and believed in was discarded so easily by someone I loved and trusted and dedicated my life to.
2. It became an effort to do everyday activities. I tried to believe that I can manage on my own that I am very capable person but felt so empty that I didn’t have the energy to go on. I was confused and couldn’t focused on what I wanted for my future. I told myself continuously that time will heal me but time can go so painfully slow. I had to push myself to be busy, to be with someone to prevent myself from dwelling on the past. I talked to my children and friends for support and understanding. I was constantly tired and restless, I kept reminding myself that I have to fight this, that my father and children would be devastated if I allowed anything to happen to me and I hadn’t allowed them to help me. I only did daily activities when I had to. I knew I had to persevere and needed patience but the pain was severe and relentless and nobody understood.
3. I have previous experiences with emotional disorders when I worked as a nurse. So, I was very receptive to receiving help and believing in the doctor to be able to help. Fortunately I believed in his treatment but still found it extremely difficult to do as recommended. I had to believe, had to constantly remind myself, that I could lead a ‘normal’ life again and be carefree and happy. I had to fight any negative thoughts or self doubt. I had always considered others before myself but now I needed to put myself first. These things were the most difficult to do as only you can do it and have to do. I had to free my natural self, rebuild my life and find out what I wanted in life. I knew these things but I had to find some way to actually do it. That is the hardest task. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but couldn’t imagine what was there; I had no direction, but needed patience.
4. I kept telling myself the treatment will work, I couldn’t afford to allow myself to doubt it, that this was a constant battle but it will be worth it. I found activities to do to replace negative thoughts or when feeling confused, e.g. walk, read, needlework, craft, meet a friend for coffee. It was very important to find activities and to do them, stay it as long as possible without over stressing, if it doesn’t help then try another. I read emotional books and religious books, to learn how to develop and maintain a positive attitude and how to overcome the torment not getting answers to what went wrong in the past. Also how to live with this and feel confident to start life over and how to accept that it is not important to anyone else except you and you have to take charge and not live the life of a victim. I had to learn not to judge the past that it is out of my control, is a waste of time and what is done is done and leave the judgment to spiritual means. I found it very distressing listening to other stories of hard times. Everyone has had bad times, and I knew there were many worse off than me, but it doesn’t give you any immediate solution, yet they expect you to ’snap’ out of it.
What to Do?
Talk to a councilor or doctor. They are more objective than trying to find solutions from family and friends, who really do care but give their opinion on what they think your problem is. You need an independent and experienced person you can tell all to in ‘confidence’ and get an unbiased solution. You have to believe in and follow medical advice. This is not easy but make it your priority in life to take medication strictly as directed. Don’t expect immediate results, just take it and go onto with other activities. You need to find some activities that occupy your time and thought. Keep looking and trying, if it doesn’t work try something else. You can always retry later.
Exercise as much as possible; force yourself to walk, to make commitments to do things with active people, activities leaves less time for negative thought, discussions and dwelling on the past. Help people with some activities, or join groups, particularly with children and animals, they don’t dwell in the past and always want to enjoy your company. You can have some physical contact with children while reading and playing games. I gained a lot of comfort from my cat; he is always affectionate to me no matter how I feel of look or what I say and is never negative. Be patient and believe you are not alone in this illness and will lead your own life again. You will recover unlike those who have AIDS or terminal cancer.